When you find the person you want to marry, you assume everything else will fall into place. You will have a few years together just the two of you then when it comes time to begin to think about being pregnant, it happens. We knew with our first pregnancy we wanted a March or later baby because we are both teachers- I teach 6th grade and my husband is a college professor. We got pregnant on the first month of trying. Just like I thought it would happen. Never considering this pregnancy could ever end with anything but a baby.

We announced to the FaceBook world before we had our first appointment. Young and excited we couldn't wait. We were at the beach and the following Monday was our first appointment. I started bleeding on and off at this point. I read that it could be normal so just ignored it for the most part. No cramping just some spotting.

When we got home and went for what was supposed to be our 9 week appointment, the ultrasound showed no baby but evidence there was one. I had miscarried and now what I thought was clots, was tissue.

We were devastated. Couldn't breathe devastated. We started trying right away in August. It took until December to conceive. Pregnancy was no longer and enjoyment but this deep fear that I would never hold a baby. I started bleeding around 5 weeks and knew it was over. We had an ultrasound right at 6 weeks and I told my doctor I already know it's gone. She did the ultrasound and turned up the volume and we heard a little heartbeat. I lost it. This was our second chance.

Derick Andrew was born on September 9, 2010. The entire pregnancy I was stressed that I would lose him. That pain of our first loss never left.

We got pregnant again, without meaning to, the following year almost to the date of Derick's birthday. At 6 weeks, I miscarried again and nobody knew but my husband.

Everyone was always asking why no baby #2? Doesn't Derick need a sibling? Of course we want that, but don't you realize it's not that easy for everyone. I have no idea what it feels like to say I want another baby and when you get pregnant, not having fear it's over.

We decided to try one more time and in December of 2013, we got pregnant again. I was so miserably sick and at 7 weeks we saw a heartbeat and heard it. The relief was immediate. I had been so sick and could barely function. I kept up with the CrossFit and vowed to stick with is until I was due. Around 10 weeks, I had horrible cramps in my lower stomach and groin area. So bad I  couldn't walk and spent a day in the ER. They thought appendix, but it was fine. Baby looked good so they ruled I was doing too much CrossFit and to calm down with the lifting. I had already done this and in my gut, I knew something else was wrong.

On January 20th, Danny and Derick went with me for our 12 week appointment. My dr tried the doppler but being bigger, I was warned we may not hear it. She suggested an ultrasound. She tried an external and I saw the baby but it wasn't moving. She just said let's try internal. I knew at that moment, something was wrong. I looked at the screen for the internal and there was my baby. Still. It had passed sometime in the previous week. For 6 days I had my dead baby in me. We saw perfect little arms and legs but no heart racing away.

We opted for the D&E over a natural miscarriage because my body had no signs of starting the process. We made it so far only to have it gone. The D&E was performed at Dublin Methodist in the surgery unit. I was terrified I have to go through labor and delivery. My dr was amazing and talked me through every step. The nurses told me to cry and even the were teared up while I was going under. I woke up after the procedure crying. I knew my baby was gone. Walking out of that hospital with empty arms broke my heart even more. Of course, a mom with her son and new baby were also waiting on there car. I closed my eyes and just prayed. I want that one day. But will it ever happen?

Is there even hope for us? I've been pregnant 4 times and have 1 child. That 1 child is my world and I would do it all over again to get him. If we quit because of fear after 1, Derick wouldn't be here.

My heart will heal but my beautiful baby will always be a part of me. We get our genetic testing results back in a month. Do I want to know what it was? I guess I have time to decide.